useless lil' brat.

"My heart feels heavy, like it's been forced to beat,
it's painful. If only it could sigh and feel better"

I feel like I'm at the end of the road, waiting for the world to come tumbling down on me, eat me up and I'll disappear from this world. My future, it feels like it doesn't exist. Whenever I start thinking about it, I get confused all over again. And the question "Do I really want to do this" always pops out in my head and it leaves making me feeling so lost and it does hurts. It hurts, hurting my parents if I were to tell them, I honestly don't know what to do with my future. I'm such a failure and I'm sorry. Right now, plugging the earpiece into my ears, music playing at it's loudest is my new best friend. It somehow makes me feel better, and for a minute everything feels great.. Like running away from the world, for a little while. But, I know I can't keep doing it forever. Mum's been asking and bugging me to quickly survey about the course I mentioned I wanted to study. It's killing me, whenever she talks about it. She would mention about, asking her friends for information and how she will get the money to pay for the fees. Private schools, aren't cheap you see. I told her countless of times, I wanted to work first and save up but she just refuses to listen and kept saying it's her responsibility. I've let her down so much, I don't know. But, I think I'm lying. Lying to everyone, I'm not even sure if I like kids. Plus, I have a very bad temper! God, please help me, please. I've wasted too much time, too much money. I used to think, let fate bring me to where I'm fated to be. But, it's so wrong. I didn't have dreams like how the other kids have. I didn't care about it, and whenever the kids tell about their dreams so proudly, I just sigh and think it's so silly. But at the end of the day, I'm the silly one. I was studying for the sake of it, and it sucks so bad. Regretting now is way too late, I'm getting older as minutes pass.

I need to escape, run away.. I'm losing it, losing it so badly.
I need to start working hard for the future I want, Ya Allah, please give me some strength....