I don't know who I am anymore..

No matter how strong you are, no matter how many times you keep telling everyone you're doing fine, at the end of the day you just can't lie to yourself. Every time I have to lie, my heart feels crushed and I wish the person could see right through me.. See all the pain that is actually hidden behind every smile and laughter of mine. I learned to be strong so that I could have the strength push and hide everything from everyones naked eyes but I've never learned to be strong enough to tell someone close about what's killing me deep inside. I often am on the verge of breaking down and the saddest part is that I don't know how to fight it. I used to just chuck all my problems to a side and right now, it feels like it's catching back up to me. I wish I had someone to be by my side and tell me that everything is okay during my lowest point. I envy those who does... Those who have someone special in their heart who would always be there to comfort you without getting bored of it.

This week have been a real challenge to me, I'm mentally and physically drained. It's fucking depressing. I'm so tired of it but there's nothing that could be done for it to be better. I have to sacrifice for everyone else, but does anyone sacrifice for me? Have they? Sigh....... On the other hand, G is seriously getting on my nerves. I don't want to be a defiant grand daughter but she order people around without thinking of the person feelings. She repeats and nags the same thing over and over again. If you fight back, you're in deep shit. I feel so helpless. If I'm useless and unwanted, what am I even doing here? I wish I'm a person with no feelings so I could do this with lots of strength. And I shall keep wishing..