I might delete this anyways.

Sometimes I just don't know what to think anymore. I wish I was numb. I wish I couldn't feel anything. I wish people would stop for a second and remember that I am a human being. I have feelings... She acts like she's the only one with responsibilities and debts to settle. Alright, I might not have my own house or car. But I do have debts to settle. You're not the only one who needs to use a lot of cash. If I don't need extra cash to pay up all of this shit, I wouldn't be working my ass off?! Do you think I work for pleasure at the end of the day? So I could use all the money to shop and be the most happiest girl in the world? Alright, maybe just for a few minutes when I look at the amount I'm given for my hard work.. But there's always a "behind the scenes" right?

It's easy for you to speak the words.. "You pay for me first, I'll pay you back at the end of the month once I get my pay.." It's not that I'm so selfish. I'm fine if you wanna borrow me 50$? Or maybe slightly more. But what you're asking is way way way too much. 58 + expenses during the trip + a shirt from the trip + I bet you need money to spend on your daily routine. I do not earn 2-3k to cater your needs. Even if I had spare money to spare, seriously, it's annoying when it becomes a habit to you. I am not one of the guys (or shall I say your "brother") who gives you allowance every month. To be honest, I have nothing against it. Did you even know spending $10 for the fucking ez link card is like throwing $100 on the streets? Did you know I am often left with only 10%-5% of my pay just the day after I get it? Do you even care about my personal debts that I have to pay? You're so much older, how can it not cross your mind? You know very well that nothing is free and we need money on daily basis. Sometimes, even more than what we expect but why do you treat it as if I do not go through all of those shits?

"A promise is a promise.." you quoted. Well hey, as far as I remember, I did not promise any bullshit. I said "god willing." Wait, do you even know what that means? Clearly not. It hurts hearing the words that come out from your mouth. There is no fucking at of end the fucking month. Go fuck the promise yourself. You barely know who I am, we know each other for less than 6 month. I'm surprised how the words can easily escape from your mouth.

I'M SO TIRED. I'M SO DRAINED OUT.

I'M TIRED OF PLEASING PEOPLE. I'M TIRED OF ALL THE SHITS.

I'M SO CLOSE TO GIVING UP.

I feel like I've lost all my strength. I'm tired of acting all happy when I know I'm not.

It hurts like fuck. All I did was disappoint myself. I thought being "happy" could make me really happy but I guess my system didn't approve of it. I don't want to do this anymore.

Maybe I have given up... :'(