Confession 101

"You might know my name but you don't know my story"

is what people always say but to me,

"You might know my story, but you don't know, you don't know what I really feel deep inside."

I do believe in the saying where they only see what you choose to show. 

We are so used to that sometimes we lose ourselves along the way. We forget who we really are.

That is when people think they know you, but the truth is, 

it's just another mask of yours.

So that pretty much explains why you will never, EVER admit that you've changed.

Because you have been yourself all along but they just haven't got the chance to see it yet.

But when they do, 

they change their mind about you.

They leave you.

They ignore you.

They left you hanging.

No goodbyes.

Not a chance given.

All of the above, without even an explanation.

You started feeling horrible.

You kept asking yourself, "what wrong have I done?"

Cause when you're finally ready to show your true self, they couldn't accept you.

They didn't want you.

You feel unwanted.

Your heart turns numb. You hated that feeling.

You slowly am convinced that people will always fuck off from your life.

Sooner or later.

You close your heart. You make yourself blind.

You get to know people, you learn them.

You like them, you want them as your friend.

But after everything that has happened in the past,

you make yourself push them away from you.

Even when it hurts to let go sometimes.

But all you wanted was a true friend.

Someone who will stay by your side, through thick and thin.

Someone you can call your best friend.

So when you're happy, you can share your tears of joy together.

And when you're feeling oh so blue,

that person is there to listen.

But you just couldn't handle all the horrible feeling all over again if they ever leave.

I do wonder, is all of this too much to ask?

Is it too demanding?

But I've got so much to say.

I want to let go of all that is in me.

I want to feel relieved cause I can finally let go of everything that's been haunting me.

But I look around,

there's only darkness around me.

So I learnt something new.

I learnt how to bottle everything deep deep inside of me.

Where no one, NO ONE will ever reach.

Everything was going smoothly.

I would just push aside everything, forget it, laugh whenever I can to avoid the pain of it.

But as time goes by, I get lonely.

My mistake was, I over think.

I look back into my past.

That's when everything came back. 

At the end, I fall. 

I fall on my face.

Everything comes haunting me.

There's just so many of them, you don't know how to deal with it.

You get angry, frustrated.

You cry and cry everyday, begging for it to go away.

And as days pass by, you would suddenly feel sad for no reason out of the blue.

Right now, I literally feel like an empty shell with a lost soul.

I hear echoes of my own laughter.

I wanted to cry so badly whenever I hear that sound because I....

I felt like a bloody hypocrite.

And tonight the voices in my head are here to stay, to destroy me all over again.

But I will try my best to stay strong.

Dear God, please give me some strength tonight and bring me to the right path.

Goodnight beautiful world.

xoxo