"A lost soul"

For years, I have manage to stay away from drama. Drama, wait what, what are those? Life has been a breeze. Of course it's not perfect like how I would like it to be but I thank God for everything. I am blessed for these years of life. But! Funny how there's always a but or what if. Yes, but to be honest, within myself I feel like a lost soul. I am just an empty shell, often trying to figure out myself. I constantly feel frustrated, angry and sad over nothing. I would sit in silence or lie on bed trying to focus and find out the cause of this mixed feeling that has left me feeling like I'm going insane. It wasn't a pleasant feeling but after years and years of repeating situation, I learned to push everything away. Till I was so immune to it, I literally pushed everything away. Oh trust me, I do mean everything. People, activities, changes, etc. I refuse to let anyone in, I was one of those people who you would call a couch potato. Only instead of the television, I'm stuck in front of the laptop/computer. But thank God, that phase of life is far gone. But like an old saying, "Old habits die hard." I couldn't fight the urge to not push people away. Some days, I would feel bad and useless. Guilt made me feel miserable but some days I would be totally okay with it. Which is awful when I think about it now. Yes, I realize those are people who care. Care for me. Sometimes I am surprised that people do remember me despite years of not being in contact or never contacted before. But sometimes, I just can't help it. For that, I need help. I have to stop doing this to myself but I really don't know how. "People come and go.." But if I can be honest with you, the bright side of it all, I get to meet real people. People who sincerely care and people who stay. I don't mind not having a huge group of friends. I'm thankful with what I have, even if I can count my friends with only one hand....